It was one of those weekends that are funfilled. I got back to my hotel at 7am and I headed straight to my room. I hadn’t even taken my shoes off when I heard a knock on door. It was the receptionist asking me to come see her ‘chairman’ who really wanted to see me. Curiosity killed the cat and I went to see ‘chairman’. I walked into the lobby and I am face to facewith this man who is probably in his late fifties or early sixties. I look at him from head to toe taking in the wrinkled skin, fat nose, black unorganised lips and the nine months pregnancy where his stomach should have been.
“Good morning Sir” yes I said sir.
“How are you beautiful?”
“Im good thank you. You?”
“I’m great. I am the owner of this hotel. I saw you yesterday but I was a bit busy so I couldn’t speak to you. I like you, I want to be your boyfriend”
I’m thinking boy what? You have to be kidding me. This isn’t the guy I’ve been praying for so I just laughed.
“I’m actually serious. In fact what are you doing now? Let me get another room for us to relax.” Oshey Ozone relaxer.
“No thank you Sir. I’ve been clubbing all night. I’m too tired for any sort of relaxation.”
“AH tired keh? Are you sure you were clubbing” he asked laughing. I’m looking at him like where is the joke?
“Are you going back to school today baby?”
“AH that’s good then. OYA Emeka come and take her order.I’im sure she hasn’t eaten”
(In my head Im singing come and join me sing hallelujah. I really should have turned this down but a girl included some extras to the order). I thanked “chairman” and I left.
Fastfoward to 7pm that day.I’im in a Chinese restaurant having dinner with some friends and chairman calls me (unfortunately I gave him my number. I tend to give out numbers and block people when they turn out to be pests). He makes sure I’m still in Lagos and he asks to see me later on. I eventually get back to my hotel room and the bed makes me forget any such plans. At 11pm, I hear chairman asking my friend where I am. He is talking and shouting at the same time.
“Where is your friend? I made her stay back and I’m paying for this for nothing”. This is absolutely false as girls had already settled the bill so i let the air-conditioning caress me back to sleep.
Later in the week, chairman called me and this confusing conversation ensued.
“You!! You’re lucky there is no police station around. I would have you locked up”
“Excuse me? On what grounds?”
“Come on! You played me and ran away. If you know what is good for you, enter a cab and start coming to Lagos”
“No money for that Sir. NO, no plans for that. I would do no such thing”
“Stop playing this girl. Money kwa? Whats your business with money? It’s like they didn’t tell you who I am. Money is not a problem at all at all. I really like you and want you to be my girlfriend”
uh you just threatened me right now mister man.
“ENHE, I wanted to ask you a question. Dont be angry oh”
“Okay I’m listening”
“Are you circumcised?”
“Hello? I think another call cut in. What did you say?”
“Circumcised nah. Are you circumcised?”
Moku Modaran, you said?
“No Sir. I’m not.”
“AH I said don’t be angry oh. I really like girls who are circumcised. I sha like you like that so its fine.”
I had a brain wave and Iabruptly ended the conversation.
Female Circumcision, you mean female genital mutilation. The things men would do to ‘get some’. It sounded like rituals to me to be honest. case closed. I didn’t bother picking any calls from the animal. That man is actually somebody’s father. I’m weak.